There were times when everything about you and your house hurt me. You had so many dear little things Icouldn't have. Do you know--it's ridiculous-- but Ihad an especial spite at those china dogs of yours.
There were times when I wanted to catch up Gog and Magog and bang their pert black noses together! Oh, you smile, Anne--but it was never funny to me. I would come here and see you and Gilbert with your books and your flowers, and your household goods, and your little family jokes--and your love for each other showing in every look and word, even when you didn't know it--and I would go home to--you know what I went home to! Oh, Anne, I don't believe I'm jealous and envious by nature. When I was a girl I lacked many things my schoolmates had, but I never cared--I never disliked them for it. But I seem to have grown so hateful--""Leslie, dearest, stop blaming yourself. You are NOThateful or jealous or envious. The life you have to live has warped you a little, perhaps-but it would have ruined a nature less fine and noble than yours. I'm letting you tell me all this because I believe it's better for you to talk it out and rid your soul of it.
But don't blame yourself any more."
"Well, I won't. I just wanted you to know me as I am.
That time you told me of your darling hope for the spring was the worst of all, Anne. I shall never forgive myself for the way I behaved then. I repented it with tears. And I DID put many a tender and loving thought of you into the little dress I made. But Imight have known that anything I made could only be a shroud in the end.""Now, Leslie, that IS bitter and morbid--put such thoughts away.
I was so glad when you brought the little dress; and since I had to lose little Joyce I like to think that the dress she wore was the one you made for her when you let yourself love me.""Anne, do you know, I believe I shall always love you after this. I don't think I'll ever feel that dreadful way about you again. Talking it all out seems to have done away with it, somehow. It's very strange --and Ithought it so real and bitter. It's like opening the door of a dark room to show some hideous creature you've believed to be there--and when the light streams in your monster turns out to have been just a shadow, vanishing when the light comes. It will never come between us again.""No, we are real friends now, Leslie, and I am very glad.""I hope you won't misunderstand me if I say something else. Anne, I was grieved to the core of my heart when you lost your baby; and if I could have saved her for you by cutting off one of my hands I would have done it. But your sorrow has brought us closer together.
Your perfect happiness isn't a barrier any longer. Oh, don't misunderstand, dearest--I'm NOT glad that your happiness isn't perfect any longer--I can say that sincerely; but since it isn't, there isn't such a gulf between us.""I DO understand that, too, Leslie. Now, we'll just shut up the past and forget what was unpleasant in it.
It's all going to be different. We're both of the race of Joseph now. I think you've been wonderful --wonderful. And, Leslie, I can't help believing that life has something good and beautiful for you yet."Leslie shook her head.
"No," she said dully. "There isn't any hope. **** will never be better--and even if his memory were to come back--oh, Anne, it would be worse, even worse, than it is now. This is something you can't understand, you happy bride. Anne, did Miss Cornelia ever tell you how I came to marry ****?""Yes."
