"No! no!" she said."When it came to me in the night--it was always in the night--I used to get out of bed and pray that it might never, never come again, and that I might be forgiven--just forgiven.It was too horrible that I should even UNDERSTAND it so well." A woeful, wry little smile twisted her mouth."I was not brave enough to have done it.I could never have DONE it, Betty; but the thought was there--it was there! I used to think it had made a black mark on my soul.".....
The letter took long to write.It led a consecutive story up to the point where it culminated in a situation which presented itself as no longer to be dealt with by means at hand.
Parts of the story previous letters had related, though some of them it had not seemed absolutely necessary to relate in detail.
Now they must be made clear, and Betty made them so.
"Because you trusted me you made me trust myself," was one of the things she wrote."For some time I felt that it was best to fight for my own hand without troubling you.Ihoped perhaps I might be able to lead things to a decorous sort of issue.I saw that secretly Rosy hoped and prayed that it might be possible.She gave up expecting happiness before she was twenty, and mere decent peace would have seemed heaven to her, if she could have been allowed sometimes to see those she loved and longed for.Now that I must give up my hope --which was perhaps a rather foolish one--and now that Icannot remain at Stornham, she would have no defence at all if she were left alone.Her condition would be more hopeless than before, because Nigel would never forget that we had tried to rescue her and had failed.If I were a man, or if Iwere very much older, I need not be actually driven away, but as it is I think that you must come and take the matter into your own hands."She had remained in her sister's room until long after midnight, and by the time the American letter was completed and sealed, a pale touch of dawning light was showing itself.She rose, and going to the window drew the blind up and looked out.The looking out made her open the window, and when she had done so she stood feeling the almost unearthly freshness of the morning about her.The mystery of the first faint light was almost unearthly, too.Trees and shrubs were beginning to take form and outline themselves against the still pallor of the dawn.Before long the waking of the birds would begin --a brief chirping note here and there breaking the silence and warning the world with faint insistence that it had begun to live again and must bestir itself.She had got out of her bed sometimes on a summer morning to watch the beauty of it, to see the flowers gradually reveal their colour to the eye, to hear the warmly nesting things begin their joyous day.There were fewer bird sounds now, and the garden beds were autumnal.
But how beautiful it all was! How wonderful life in such a place might be if flowers and birds and sweep of sward, and mass of stately, broad-branched trees, were parts of the home one loved and which surely would in its own way love one in return.But soon all this phase of life would be over.Rosalie, once safe at home, would look back, remembering the place with a shudder.As Ughtred grew older the passing of years would dim miserable child memories, and when his inheritance fell to him he might return to see it with happier eyes.She began to picture to herself Rosy's voyage in the ship which would carry her across the Atlantic to her mother and the scenes connected in her mind only with a girl's happiness.Whatsoever happened before it took place, the voyage would be made in the end.And Rosalie would be like a creature in a dream--a heavenly, unbelievable dream.Betty could imagine how she would look wrapped up and sitting in her steamer chair, gazing out with rapturous eyes upon the racing waves"She will be happy," she thought."But I shall not.No, I shall not."She drew in the morning air and unconsciously turned towards the place where, across the rising and falling lands and behind the trees, she knew the great white house stood far away, with watchers' lights showing dimly behind the line of ballroom windows.
"I do not know how such a thing could be! I do not know how such a thing could be!" she said."It COULD not." And she lifted a high head, not even asking herself what remote sense in her being so obstinately defied and threw down the glove to Fate.
Sounds gain a curious distinctness and meaning in the hour of the break of the dawn; in such an hour they seem even more significant than sounds heard in the dead of night.When she had gone to the window she had fancied that she heard something in the corridor outside her door, but when she had listened there had been only silence.Now there was sound again--that of a softly moved slippered foot.She went to the room's centre and waited.Yes, certainly something had stirred in the passage.She went to the door itself.The dragging step had hesitated--stopped.Could it be Rosalie who had come to her for something.For one second her impulse was to open the door herself; the next, she had changed her mind with a sense of shock.Someone had actually touched the handle and very delicately turned it.It was not pleasant to stand looking at it and see it turn.She heard a low, evidently unintentionally uttered exclamation, and she turned away, and with no attempt at softening the sound of her footsteps walked across the room, hot with passionate disgust.As well as if she had flung the door open, she knew who stood outside.It was Nigel Anstruthers, haggard and unseemly, with burned-out, sleepless eyes and bitten lip.
Bad and mad as she had at last seen the situation to be, it was uglier and more desperate than she could well know.
