He believed that Winifred had talent, he had seen Gudrun, he knew that she was an exceptional person.He could give Winifred into her hands as into the hands of a right being.Here was a direction and a positive force to be lent to his child, he need not leave her directionless and defenceless.
If he could but graft the girl on to some tree of utterance before he died, he would have fulfilled his responsibility.And here it could be done.
He did not hesitate to appeal to Gudrun.
Meanwhile, as the father drifted more and more out of life, Gerald experienced more and more a sense of exposure.His father after all had stood for the living world to him.Whilst his father lived Gerald was not responsible for the world.But now his father was passing away, Gerald found himself left exposed and unready before the storm of living, like the mutinous first mate of a ship that has lost his captain, and who sees only a terrible chaos in front of him.He did not inherit an established order and a living idea.The whole unifying idea of mankind seemed to be dying with his father, the centralising force that had held the whole together seemed to collapse with his father, the parts were ready to go asunder in terrible disintegration.
Gerald was as if left on board of a ship that was going asunder beneath his feet, he was in charge of a vessel whose timbers were all coming apart.
He knew that all his life he had been wrenching at the frame of life to break it apart.And now, with something of the terror of a destructive child, he saw himself on the point of inheriting his own destruction.And during the last months, under the influence of death, and of Birkin's talk, and of Gudrun's penetrating being, he had lost entirely that mechanical certainty that had been his triumph.Sometimes spasms of hatred came over him, against Birkin and Gudrun and that whole set.He wanted to go back to the dullest conservatism, to the most stupid of conventional people.
He wanted to revert to the strictest Toryism.But the desire did not last long enough to carry him into action.
During his childhood and his boyhood he had wanted a sort of savagedom.
The days of Homer were his ideal, when a man was chief of an army of heroes, or spent his years in wonderful Odyssey.He hated remorselessly the circumstances of his own life, so much that he never really saw Beldover and the colliery valley.He turned his face entirely away from the blackened mining region that stretched away on the right hand of Shortlands, he turned entirely to the country and the woods beyond Willey Water.It was true that the panting and rattling of the coal mines could always be heard at Shortlands.
But from his earliest childhood, Gerald had paid no heed to this.He had ignored the whole of the industrial sea which surged in coal-blackened tides against the grounds of the house.The world was really a wilderness where one hunted and swam and rode.He rebelled against all authority.
Life was a condition of savage *******.
Then he had been sent away to school, which was so much death to him.
He refused to go to Oxford, choosing a German university.He had spent a certain time at Bonn, at Berlin, and at Frankfurt.There, a curiosity had been aroused in his mind.He wanted to see and to know, in a curious objective fashion, as if it were an amusement to him.Then he must try war.Then he must travel into the savage regions that had so attracted him.
The result was, he found humanity very much alike everywhere, and to a mind like his, curious and cold, the savage was duller, less exciting than the European.So he took hold of all kinds of sociological ideas, and ideas of reform.But they never went more than skin-deep, they were never more than a mental amusement.Their interest lay chiefly in the reaction against the positive order, the destructive reaction.
He discovered at last a real adventure in the coal-mines.His father asked him to help in the firm.Gerald had been educated in the science of mining, and it had never interested him.Now, suddenly, with a sort of exultation, he laid hold of the world.
There was impressed photographically on his consciousness the great industry.Suddenly, it was real, he was part of it.Down the valley ran the colliery railway, linking mine with mine.Down the railway ran the trains, short trains of heavily laden trucks, long trains of empty wagons, each one bearing in big white letters the initials:
`C.B.&Co.'
These white letters on all the wagons he had seen since his first childhood, and it was as if he had never seen them, they were so familiar, and so ignored.Now at last he saw his own name written on the wall.Now he had a vision of power.
So many wagons, bearing his initial, running all over the country.He saw them as he entered London in the train, he saw them at Dover.So far his power ramified.He looked at Beldover, at Selby, at Whatmore, at Lethley Bank, the great colliery villages which depended entirely on his mines.
They were hideous and sordid, during his childhood they had been sores in his consciousness.And now he saw them with pride.Four raw new towns, and many ugly industrial hamlets were crowded under his dependence.He saw the stream of miners flowing along the causeways from the mines at the end of the afternoon, thousands of blackened, slightly distorted human beings with red mouths, all moving subjugate to his will.He pushed slowly in his motor-car through the little market-top on Friday nights in Beldover, through a solid mass of human beings that were ****** their purchases and doing their weekly spending.They were all subordinate to him.They were ugly and uncouth, but they were his instruments.He was the God of the machine.They made way for his motor-car automatically, slowly.
He did not care whether they made way with alacrity, or grudgingly.
He did not care what they thought of him.His vision had suddenly crystallised.
Suddenly he had conceived the pure instrumentality of mankind.There had been so much humanitarianism, so much talk of sufferings and feelings.
