"You want to shock me.Well,I suppose I deserve it.But if I were one-tenth part as good as you are,Alma,I should have a lighter heart than Ihave now.I know that I'm fickle,but I'm not false,as you think I am.""Who said I thought you were false?"
"No one,"said Beaton."It isn't necessary,when you look it--live it.""Oh,dear!I didn't know I devoted my whole time to the subject.""I know I'm despicable.I could tell you something--the history of this day,even--that would make you despise me."Beaton had in mind his purchase of the overcoat,which Alma was getting in so effectively,with the money he ought to have sent his father."But,"he went on,darkly,with a sense that what he was that moment suffering for his selfishness must somehow be a kind of atonement,which would finally leave him to the guiltless enjoyment of the overcoat,"you wouldn't believe the depths of baseness I could descend to.""I would try,"said Alma,rapidly shading the collar,"if you'd give me some hint."Beaton had a sudden wish to pour out his remorse to her,but he was afraid of her laughing at him.He said to himself that this was a very wholesome fear,and that if he could always have her at hand he should not make a fool of himself so often.A man conceives of such an office as the very noblest for a woman;he worships her for it if he is magnanimous.But Beaton was silent,and Alma put back her head for the right distance on her sketch."Mr.Fulkerson thinks you are the sublimest of human beings for advising him to get Colonel Woodburn to interview Mr.Dryfoos about Lindau.What have you ever done with your Judas?""I haven't done anything with it.Nadel thought he would take hold of it at one time,but he dropped it again.After all,I don't suppose it could be popularized.Fulkerson wanted to offer it as a premium to subscribers for 'Every Other Week,'but I sat down on that."Alma could not feel the absurdity of this,and she merely said,"'Every Other Week'seems to be going on just the same as ever.""Yes,the trouble has all blown over,I believe.Fulkerson,"said Beaton,with a return to what they were saying,"has managed the whole business very well.But he exaggerates the value of my advice.""Very likely,"Alma suggested,vaguely."Or,no!Excuse me!He couldn't,he couldn't!"She laughed delightedly at Beaton's foolish look of embarrassment.
He tried to recover his dignity in saying,"He's 'a very good fellow,and he deserves his happiness.""Oh,indeed!"said Alma,perversely."Does any one deserve happiness?""I know I don't,"sighed Beaton.
"You mean you don't get it."
"I certainly don't get it."
"Ah,but that isn't the reason."
"What is?"
"That's the secret of the universe,"She bit in her lower lip,and looked at him with eyes,of gleaming fun.
"Are you never serious?"he asked.
"With serious people always."
"I am serious;and you have the secret of my happiness--"He threw himself impulsively forward in his chair.
"Oh,pose,pose!"she cried.
"I won't pose,"he answered,"and you have got to listen to me.You know I'm in love with you;and I know that once you cared for me.Can't that time--won't it--come back again?Try to think so,Alma!""No,"she said,briefly and seriously enough.
"But that seems impossible.What is it I've done what have you against me?""Nothing.But that time is past.I couldn't recall it if I wished.Why did you bring it up?You've broken your word.You know I wouldn't have let you keep coming here if you hadn't promised never to refer to it.""How could I help it?With that happiness near us--Fulkerson--""Oh,it's that?I might have known it!"
"No,it isn't that--it's something far deeper.But if it's nothing you have against me,what is it,Alma,that keeps you from caring for me now as you did then?I haven't changed.""But I have.I shall never care for you again,Mr.Beaton;you might as well understand it once for all.Don't think it's anything in yourself,or that I think you unworthy of me.I'm not so self-satisfied as that;I know very well that I'm not a perfect character,and that I've no claim on perfection in anybody else.I think women who want that are fools;they won't get it,and they don't deserve it.But I've learned a good.
deal more about myself than I knew in St.Barnaby,and a life of work,of art,and of art alone that's what I've made up my mind to.""A woman that's made up her mind to that has no heart to hinder her!""Would a man have that had done so?"
"But I don't believe you,Alma.You're merely laughing at me.And,besides,with me you needn't give up art.We could work together.You know how much I admire your talent.I believe I could help it--serve it;I would be its willing slave,and yours,Heaven knows!""I don't want any slave--nor any slavery.I want to be free always.Now do you see?I don't care for you,and I never could in the old way;but I should have to care for some one more than I believe I ever shall to give up my work.Shall we go on?"She looked at her sketch.
"No,we shall not go on,"he said,gloomily,as he rose.
"I suppose you blame me,"she said,rising too.
"Oh no!I blame no one--or only myself.I threw my chance away.""I'm glad you see that;and I'm glad you did it.You don't believe me,of course.Why do men think life can be only the one thing to women?
And if you come to the selfish view,who are the happy women?I'm sure that if work doesn't fail me,health won't,and happiness won't.""But you could work on with me--"
"Second fiddle.Do you suppose I shouldn't be woman enough to wish my work always less and lower than yours?At least I've heart enough for that!""You've heart enough for anything,Alma.I was a fool to say you hadn't.""I think the women who keep their hearts have an even chance,at least,of having heart--""Ah,there's where you're wrong!"
