登陆注册
8778300000050

第50章 20The Exact Science of Matrimony(1)

“As I have told you before,” said Jeff Peters, “I neverhad much confidence in the perfidiousness of woman. Aspartners or coeducators in the most innocent line of graftthey are not trustworthy.”

“They deserve the compliment,” said I. “I think they areentitled to be called the honest sex.”

“Why shouldn’t they be?” said Jeff. “They’ve got theother sex either grafting or working overtime for ’em.

They’re all right in business until they get their emotionsor their hair touched up too much. Then you want to havea flat footed, heavy breathing man with sandy whiskers,five kids and a building and loan mortgage ready as anunderstudy to take her desk. Now there was that widowlady that me and Andy Tucker engaged to help us in thatlittle matrimonial agency scheme we floated out in Cairo.

“When you’ve got enough advertising capital—say aroll as big as the little end of a wagon tongue—there’smoney in matrimonial agencies. We had about 6,000 andwe expected to double it in two months, which is aboutas long as a scheme like ours can be carried on withouttaking out a New Jersey charter.

“We fixed up an advertisement that read about like this:

“Charming widow, beautiful, home loving, 32 years,possessing 3,000 cash and owning valuable countryproperty, would remarry. Would prefer a poor man withaffectionate disposition to one with means, as she realizesthat the solid virtues are oftenest to be found in thehumble walks of life. No objection to elderly man or oneof homely appearance if faithful and true and competentto manage property and invest money with judgment.

Address, with particulars.

Lonely, Care of Peters & Tucker, agents, Cairo, Ill.

“‘So far, so pernicious,’ says I, when we had finished theliterary concoction. ‘And now,’ says I, ‘where is the lady.’

“Andy gives me one of his looks of calm irritation.

“‘Jeff,’ says he, ‘I thought you had lost them ideas ofrealism in your art. Why should there be a lady? Whenthey sell a lot of watered stock on Wall Street would youexpect to find a mermaid in it? What has a matrimonial adgot to do with a lady?’

“‘Now listen,’ says I. ‘You know my rule, Andy, that inall my illegitimate inroads against the legal letter of thelaw the article sold must be existent, visible, producible.

In that way and by a careful study of city ordinances andtrain schedules I have kept out of all trouble with thepolice that a five dollar bill and a cigar could not square.

Now, to work this scheme we’ve got to be able to producebodily a charming widow or its equivalent with or withoutthe beauty, hereditaments and appurtenances set forth inthe catalogue and writ of errors, or hereafter be held by ajustice of the peace.’

“‘Well,’ says Andy, reconstructing his mind, ‘maybeit would be safer in case the post office or the peacecommission should try to investigate our agency. But where,’

he says, ‘could you hope to find a widow who would wastetime on a matrimonial scheme that had no matrimony init?’

“I told Andy that I thought I knew of the exact party.

An old friend of mine, Zeke Trotter, who used to drawsoda water and teeth in a tent show, had made his wife awidow a year before by drinking some dyspepsia cure ofthe old doctor’s instead of the liniment that he always gotboozed up on. I used to stop at their house often, and Ithought we could get her to work with us.

“’Twas only sixty miles to the little town where she lived,so I jumped out on the I.C. and finds her in the samecottage with the same sunflowers and roosters standing onthe washtub. Mrs. Trotter fitted our ad first rate except,maybe for beauty and age and property valuation. But shelooked feasible and praiseworthy to the eye, and it was akindness to Zeke’s memory to give her the job.

“‘Is this an honest deal you are putting on, Mr. Peters,’

she asks me when I tell her what we want.

“‘Mrs. Trotter,’ says I, ‘Andy Tucker and me have computedthe calculation that 3,000 men in this broad and unfaircountry will endeavor to secure your fair hand andostensible money and property through our advertisement.

Out of that number something like thirty hundred willexpect to give you in exchange, if they should win you, thecarcass of a lazy and mercenary loafer, a failure in life, aswindler and contemptible fortune seeker.

“‘Me and Andy,’ says I, ‘propose to teach these preyersupon society a lesson. It was with difficulty,’ says I, ‘thatme and Andy could refrain from forming a corporationunder the title of the Great Moral and Millennial MalevolentMatrimonial Agency. Does that satisfy you?’

“‘It does, Mr. Peters,’ says she. ‘I might have known youwouldn’t have gone into anything that wasn’t opprobrious.

But what will my duties be? Do I have to reject personallythese 3,000 ramscallions you speak of, or can I throwthem out in bunches?’

“‘Your job, Mrs. Trotter,’ says I, ‘will be practically acynosure. You will live at a quiet hotel and will have no workto do. Andy and I will attend to all the correspondence andbusiness end of it.

“‘Of course,’ says I, ‘some of the more ardent andimpetuous suitors who can raise the railroad fare maycome to Cairo to personally press their suit or whateverfraction of a suit they may be wearing. In that case youwill be probably put to the inconvenience of kicking themout face to face. We will pay you 25 per week and hotelexpenses.’

“‘Give me five minutes,’ says Mrs. Trotter, ‘to get mypowder rag and leave the front door key with a neighborand you can let my salary begin.’

“So I conveys Mrs. Trotter to Cairo and establishes herin a family hotel far enough away from mine and Andy’squarters to be unsuspicious and available, and I tell Andy.

“‘Great,’ says Andy. ‘And now that your conscience isappeased as to the tangibility and proximity of the bait,and leaving mutton aside, suppose we revenoo a noo fish.’

“So, we began to insert our advertisement in newspaperscovering the country far and wide. One ad was all we used.

同类推荐
  • 双语学习丛书-浓情挚爱

    双语学习丛书-浓情挚爱

    流淌心灵的隽语,记忆的箴言,在双语的世界里,感受英语学习的乐趣,体会英语学习的奥妙,提高英语学习的能力!丛书包括:爱的交融、财富精英、成长课堂、醇香母爱、父爱如山、故乡情怀、节日趣闻、快乐心语、浪漫往昔等故事。
  • 课外英语-科学知识小贴士(双语版)

    课外英语-科学知识小贴士(双语版)

    本套书共50册,分为美国各州的小知识,七彩缤纷的音符,优美好看的小散文,开心时分的短文,经典流传的寓言,超级高效的短句,实际有用的词汇等等在这些书中,备有单词解释,相关简介,或中文翻译,便于同学们更好的阅读和理解,真正进入文字的内涵当中,准确地和文字进行交流。本书分为人体百态、自然小知识和科学小知识等板块,介绍人体的一些基础知识,动物小知识则带您走近动物世界,了解动物百科知识。
  • 葛传椝英文书信序言选编

    葛传椝英文书信序言选编

    《葛传椝英文书信序言选编》所收文章出自《葛传椝英文集(三)》,包括葛传椝先生用英语撰写的书信、序言等共27篇。文后保留了葛先生当年的注释,便于读者阅读。
  • 科学读本(英文原版)(第2册)

    科学读本(英文原版)(第2册)

    以一位名为威尔逊的教授与3位学生为主角,通过对各种事物与科学知识和原理的讨论,系统讲述了孩子们身边随时可见的事物与现象原理。以激发孩子们对科学的兴趣与爱好。这比死记知识,大量解题要实用得多。《科学读本(英文原版)(套装共6册)》对中国学生而言,这又是另一习得英语的良好途径,尤其对那些准备出国学习的孩子们,《科学读本》的阅读学习,对他们继续国外课程的学业定有很大帮助。比起文学与文史题材的英语读本,科学英语更容易让孩子们理解与学习。一是其讲述内容均为我们身边熟悉的万事万物,容易联想记忆;二是科技英语的语法、句子结构相对简单,比文学语言更简洁清晰,易于理解。相信会得到孩子们的喜欢。
  • 大学英语六级听力训练

    大学英语六级听力训练

    本书针对听力的每种题型进行了详细的分析,让考生透彻地了解听力考试的测试方向、命题规律。同时,还提供了相应的应试技巧,帮助考生正确理解和解答听力题。本书将练习和测试相结合,一步一个台阶地提高听力水平。
热门推荐
  • 土妞逆袭志

    土妞逆袭志

    一朝穿越,美黎以为自己进了蜜罐。强悍的娘,憨厚的爹,可爱的两个哥哥,相亲相爱的一大家人。长大后才发现,备受各种鄙视。只因自己身处异端。事实的真相是,从商是女子消遣玩乐之物,她父亲恰是商人;士族乃世人敬仰效法之族,她母亲恰是仕女;万能穿越女的各种“完美”制度更是滚滚袭来;且看现代小土妞将如何逆袭开来。
  • 星光已万里

    星光已万里

    周舟一直搞不明白:为什么自己的出道就好像得罪了全世界,难道就因为自己学历不够高?背景不够好?可我偏要与这世俗抗争,偏要打破这所谓的定规定则。从默默无闻到与流言抗争再到万众瞩目,十分庆幸自己还能初心不变,万分幸运能够遇见你们。
  • 快穿攻略偏执男神请远离

    快穿攻略偏执男神请远离

    本是一个默默无名的女孩,却能直呼先主神之名,怒骂现主神,后者却不言不语乖乖听。呵呵,这是什么神仙宿主。0617表示:我家宿主上得厅堂,下得厨房;骂得了主神,崩得了位面;上能九天揽月,下能五洋捉鳖,虐渣灭世,信手拈来。只是顶头大boss怎么总是追着宿主跑?清冷仙尊:“玥玥,乖,别跑。”腹黑总裁:“晗儿,来,回家。”暴躁校霸:“玥儿,走,见家长。”时晗玥淡淡一笑,别急,咱们两个之前的的帐,该算算了。
  • 天行

    天行

    号称“北辰骑神”的天才玩家以自创的“牧马冲锋流”战术击败了国服第一弓手北冥雪,被誉为天纵战榜第一骑士的他,却受到小人排挤,最终离开了效力已久的银狐俱乐部。是沉沦,还是再次崛起?恰逢其时,月恒集团第四款游戏“天行”正式上线,虚拟世界再起风云!
  • 儿童逆反心理学

    儿童逆反心理学

    逆反期是孩子生理、心理发展的必经阶段,是孩子由不成熟向成熟转化过程中的正常表现。如果孩子出现了逆反行为,父母应保持平和的心态,用积极的态度、科学的知识、正确的方法引导孩子。《儿童逆反心理学》列举儿童逆反期的种种行为,以生活化的案例,佐以深入浅出的理论阐述,引导父母了解逆反期孩子的身心发展特点,利用春风化雨的教育方式,引导孩子努力完善自我,健康成长。
  • 林彦俊之南与北我与你

    林彦俊之南与北我与你

    【原创★未经允许不可转载★甜虐文】宋欢阴阳出错的成了某人的助理……“帮我打水!”“帮我把行李箱抬上去!”“帮我洗衣做饭!”宋欢终于忍不住了:“我要造反!!!”
  • 女帝今天又作妖了

    女帝今天又作妖了

    初到异界,身份一人之下,万人之上。苏卿挠头,我只想过混吃等死的日子!!怎奈,府中傲娇国师算计,府外各类神仙算计,咱亲妈还逼着咱每晚翻牌子。苏卿忍无可忍:“朕给你脸了是不??”PS:搞笑+甜宠(超级,超级,超级护短文) 另推荐姐妹篇女尊文:【女尊之纸上半生酸】玻璃心的小可爱慎入,但看下去,你不会失望~
  • 勾陈之相

    勾陈之相

    勾陈之象,实名麒麟。”其不然也,勾陈乃天地初开孕育之兽。与太阳烛照,太阴幽荧,青龙,白虎,朱雀,玄武,螣蛇齐名。生性刚猛,喜见杀戮。凡有杀戮之地必见勾陈之相。……勾陈.艴,因在杀戮之地沾染上了怨念之气过多,以至于千年之后破除封印之时被怨念所困无法飞升天际。……季宇是一个普通到不能再普通的送货员,却因一个女孩而负债累累,在被人追债伤害时又因机缘巧合被刚苏醒的勾陈.艴所救。从此便踏上助勾陈.艴化怨之路。行走在古今历史长流,化解桃花源之怨,看一个平平无奇的送货员如何成为天职之人。
  • 坠落在哪颗星

    坠落在哪颗星

    史上最强“九重雷劫,”将修真界呼风唤雨、称霸天地的渡劫期女大能,劈得连个渣都没剩下。本命灵宝带着残破的灵魂穿越到机甲时代。天上飞的是战舰、机甲,地上飘的磁悬浮车、光能小蹦蹦,灵气几乎为零。很好,本大能的目标,就是专治各种不服!
  • 这杯奶茶不加糖

    这杯奶茶不加糖

    【高甜可入/双洁】“小孩,你就是舒谨的妹妹吧。”“奇怪,我哥哥那么丑,怎么会有你这么帅的朋友。”大一的舒谨回家取东西,顺便跟过来的平青云在楼下见到了舒窈。一朝引狼入室,后患无穷。一周后,舒窈在甜品店遇到平青云。“哥哥,喜欢是什么啊?”“喜欢是你的大脑分泌多巴胺促进神经兴奋,体表温度……小孩,你问这做什么?有喜欢的人了?”后来。“小孩。”“我不是小孩了。”“舒窈,为什么当时喝奶茶不加糖?”“……不想让你把我当成普通的小女孩。”“上一句划掉,因为当时我的大脑分泌多巴胺促进神经兴奋,心里便溢满了糖了。”古灵精怪漫画小孩&妖孽哥哥最浪漫的不是情话,而是当初的一句不经意,我们都记了许多年。